Pause. Rewind. Would You?
I was listening to Anna Nalick’s “Breathe (2AM),” which, in my opinion, has some amazing lyrics and is a really beautiful, powerful song:
“We can’t jump the tracks, we’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl …
So cradle your head in your hands. And breathe.”
It’s a good point. Life dishes out a lot to us. To some of us more than others. Sometimes a seeminly unbearable amount. But really, ya gotta roll with it. (I refuse to say it builds character. Frankly, I think I have plenty of that, so that justification is wasted on me. Fuck character.) I’m a firm believer that the pain we experience makes the bliss that much more exhilarating. Listening to Nalick’s lyrics, though, I wondered. How many of us would push the PAUSE button, REWIND and start over? Not in an “If-I’d-Known-Then-What-I-Know-Now” kind of way, but brand new from scratch, with the rewind part much like the “Look-Into-The-Light-And-Forget-Everything” instrument that Tommy Lee Jones used in Men in Black. In other words, with no benefit of experience … no taking the wisdom with you.
Would we repeat the same mistakes? Are those mistakes part of our DNA? Is there some sort of inescapable pattern to the universe? And even if we could take a do-over, completely erase particular parts of our lives, would we? How far back would we go? Would we sacrifice the parts of our lives we love now to make different choices then? Would we pass on the human relationships that have brought us joy in order to avoid the relationships that have pained us?
If I could do it all over again, here are some things I’d do differently:
1. I would have kept playing soccer on the boys’ team. Helloooo? What was I thinking? A pubescent girl among 15 boys, any one of which had a crush on me at any given time? Yeah. Silly me.
2. I would have set a timer the first time I attempted sex. As my love interest at the time was a high school boy, you’d have thought we’d have had plenty of time, given that my family was 45 minutes away at a soccer game that should have lasted at least an hour. Rah, rah, rah. Um. Caught. The worst part? Didn’t even finish.
3. I would have realized I was smart before spending more than $200,000 in education to “buy” intelligence. Well, maybe I’m not so smart after all.
4. I would have quit setting myself up for failure because I’m afraid to succeed. Yeah, I’m not sure how to make that one funny.
5. I would have quit falling for “project men.” No, no, I don’t mean stoop-sitting Section 8 types of men listening to gangsta rap on boomboxes. I mean men who aren’t whole. (Is that redundant? Kidding!) I would start paying attention to the red flags raised. What? What’s that you say? I fall for project men so I don’t have to “treat” my own issues. Hrrrrmmmm. I think I might be deaf in that ear.
6. I would have continued buying donor sperm. Now that I think about it, one way or another I paid for sperm …. The difference is that, having conceived the old-fashioned way (not to be confused with missionary style), I’m still paying for it.
7. I would have stopped listening to people who told me I was too much or too little, and instead I would have defined for myself who I am. Self-fulfilling prophesy is a bitch. So is feeling like you have to live up to others’ expectations. If only they had told me I was a 5′9″ 125 lb blond heiress. Dammit! Bastards! Who sold me short? *rimshot*
8. I’d have gotten to David before Victoria did. Yeah, yeah, ridiculous, maybe. But one can dream, right?
(What, you want 2 more things I’d do differently? Ten is just so cliche. Get over it.)
Knowing the rules (no wisdom to take with you) — truly starting over — square one — would you do it? Why/why not? And if so, how far back would you go?
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June 23rd, 2010 at 8:00 AM
One of the funniest things about your blog, and one of the reasons I started following you, was your take on men, viz. the redundant comment above. But now that I’ve got a little more Mommy is Dating experience, that aspect of your life and thought has begun to take on a different cast. It’s starting to seem like, rather than the humor being your point, your point is really that men have let you down so seriously that you are badly scarred, and extrapolate that experience out to men in general, with the humor just a cover for a really damning indictment. I think this is relatively common; plenty of men respond to women in the same way, for sure. But, here is my line of thought: either: most/all men really are worthless/useless/uncaring, in which case complaining about it is like complaining about the weather, e.g., pointless; or, most/all men are not really worthless/useless/uncaring, but the ones you have picked are, in which case your complaints are misplaced, since the constant variable is you and your choices. Either way, the complaints are misplaced. What are your thoughts?
June 23rd, 2010 at 10:24 AM
My thoughts? I love being analyzed by someone I’ve never met. Honestly? I love men. I’m raising two of them, and I couldn’t be happier to do so. I feel bad that women snark on them. But I also feel bad that men snark on women. Although, admittedly, it’s kind of funny at times.
Of course I’m the common element in my man-choices. I’m well aware of what I’ve perpetuated.
June 23rd, 2010 at 1:24 PM
Did not mean to offend or upset. Thought the purpose of the blog was to have folks (most of whom will not know you) read and react to it.
June 23rd, 2010 at 1:28 PM
You didn’t offend me at all! In fact, your comment made me snicker. I appreciate your comments and apologize if I gave you the impression that I didn’t.
June 23rd, 2010 at 11:18 PM
I’ve had this thought often over the last few years. I’m so damned stubborn I don’t think it would make any difference to go back, without any wisdom gained. I’d muck it all up again.
June 24th, 2010 at 7:00 AM
I’m with you, Jules. I think I’d make the same mistakes with different people. And if I didn’t make the same mistakes, I’d probably make equally grave different ones.
July 6th, 2010 at 5:35 PM
Ahhhh David Beckham…..ahhhh soccer. Two of my favorite subjects. Oh to have played on a boys soccer team!
July 6th, 2010 at 11:26 PM
I feel depression coming on with the winding down of FIFA 2010! Thankfully more hot dudes to watch w/Tour de France!
July 27th, 2010 at 7:52 PM
I don’t even know where to begin on this topic. I would say when my parents gave me a chance to go to private school, huge mistake for me, HUGE. There are so many places where I took the wrong fork in the road, there are too many to name. Would I start over? Yes, yes, I would.
August 3rd, 2010 at 11:49 AM
Well, if you start over, just make sure the fork in the road where you meet me is still taken! I think we need to do a show together. And I have an idea …..