Mommy is Dating

Single home-ownership is really putting a cramp in my sexual style, assuming I have some. In some respects, it’s a bigger cramp than being a single parent.

 As the ex was a general contractor, we thought it’d be a great idea to buy the worst house on the block. I’m not sure we were wrong, but dear gawd, I am embarrassed to pull into the driveway some days. Most of you have probably worked with a contractor on an occasion or two. Let me just say, if you think hiring one is bad, you ought to live with one. I have more half-ass projects that have been started but remain no where near completion than I have prescription meds to deal with said projects.

 Long story shorter, I used my MLK holiday weekend to make some changes around home, leaving me with little, if any, time for, ahem, myself. And that meant a lot of catching up on Monday, which was tough, given the kiddos were back home then.

Challenge 16: Try A New Sexual Position

Really, I just about laughed when this one came up. How is a girl who’s giving it to herself supposed to change her position? Move from one end of the couch to the other? Give it to give it to myself from behind?

 Little did I know that’s actually possible. But thanks to a hint from Mominatrix, I discovered the miracle that is the Wing Liberator sex pillow. OMG.

http://www.liberator.com/eng/product/wing/10837

This is the very thing I’ve been wishing for since, well since I figured out that getting it on with myself was a whole lot more efficient than having a partner. In other words, since about 1983. With the Wing, I have quickly and swiftly eliminated the only reason I had left for needing a man. Yeah, with the Wing I still have to do all the work. What I don’t have to do is lie there yawning, silently hoping that one of these times he’ll actually hit the mark and know what to do when he does.

Challenge 17: Tweak Your Technique

Even though I don’t have a stand-by partner, aka friend with benefits (FWB), I actually have been working on this challenge, albeit in a sort of back-door fashion. (No, not that backdoor.) I read a book by Ian Kerner, PhD about a year ago titled, “Be Honest—You’re not That into Him Either.” It was an interesting, easy read from the male perspective of how we women sell ourselves short, especially when it comes to love interests and dating. In the process of reading that book, I discovered the author had written another, “She Comes First.” An entire book about cunnilingus. Two-hundred-some-odd pages solely about snacking on snatch. Lucky Mrs. Kerner. I believe in polygamy, I do. (Hellsyeah I’d like to have multiple wives, what woman wouldn’t?)

From now on, this will be THE qualifying question I ask potential dates: “Have you read ‘She Comes First’? No? Move along. Next!”

You may be wondering how I’m improving my own technique by reading a book about cunnilingus. No, I’m not switching teams, though there are days I’m tempted. (If I could just get over the sex thing.) But what the book has taught me is that, if I’m going to be as amazing in the sack as I am at say, parenting, then I have to demand he puts his mouth where my moneymaker is.

Challenge 18: Watch Porn

I’ll be honest. I’ve never made it through an entire porn flick. I realize that’s the goal. But the reason I’ve never made it through is because I’ve fallen asleep. Every time. The porn flicks I’ve seen are so ridiculously unrealistic they’re laughable. Really? Who wants to take it in the pooper with something that looks like it should be attached to an elephant rather than a man? Um, I’ll pass. The very thought makes me pucker. And I find it extraordinarily difficult to believe that women voluntarily sign up to have a man unload what could have been his next of kin on her face.

Make no mistake, I like mixing in a little nasty in the bedroom. Or on the kitchen floor 9½ Weeks style. But my imagination is far more stimulating than porn. I’ve read books I’ve had to put down (“Damage” comes to mind – fabulous movie, too) because I was distracted, but I’ve never had to pause a porn vid for the same reason. Really, I’d rather watch “Boogie Nights” or “The Piano” for the full-frontal shots of Mark Wahlberg and Harvey Keitel. Those two are amazing fucks (in my mind).

 Challenge 19: Take the Reins

For this challenge, Mominatrix demanded (she’s following her own advice it seems) we show our partner who’s boss. As I’ve mentioned repeatedly, I don’t have a partner (and I have little more than a week to find one), but if it isn’t fairly obvious by now that I want it, you haven’t been paying attention.

 I have no problem taking the reins. I have perfected the “come-hither look,” and I like it on top. This sounds like another challenge I can take to Twitter.

“U. Yeah, U. *licks upper lip slowly w/tongue* In my DM now! *grabs UR pkg* Now, dammit. I said NOW!  I’m wet & I wantcha I NEED UR manhood”

Don’t you love 140 characters of efficiency? I got an immediate response from @first_dibs (aptly named, don’t you think?). “I wish.” Not in my DM, however. I got an almost immediate response in my DM from another: “If you insist.” And the third: “If only I could join you in DM. My phone won’t allow me though.”

 Yeah, baby. I am the master! The master of my own domain. The masturbater. I know, pathetic, isn’t it?