Mommy is Dating

These challenges are getting hard and harder for me to pull off. I have no idea what I’m going to do for Day 22’s Challenge: Tie Me Up. I can’t very well handcuff myself to the bedposts. Well, I could, but who would operate Roberrrrto?

Today’s challenge would be easy for me if I were partnered. I like talking dirty when getting nasty. One has to use care in talking dirty, however. Cheesy dirty is bad. Like lose-your-erection bad.

I once (yes once, don’t judge me) slept with a guy whose dirty talk was so bad it was all I could do to keep from bustin’ a gut. The unfortunate thing was that he interpreted my stifled giggles as “approval noises.” And encouragement. His dirty talking just got worse. At one point, he sounded so like the exorcist I thought his head was going to spin completely off his neck. I was afraid to look. I’m an adventuresome gal, but I really have no interest in fucking a man possessed. Strike that. Of course I want to fuck a man possessed. But not possessed by Satan. If I want to fuck with the devil, I’ll fuck with the devil.

And speaking of Satan, I hatch a devilishly delicious idea. You know those calls from solicitors that have an uncanny knack of coming in right as you sit down to dinner? Or just when you get that colicky baby to finally sleep? It’s time for Mommy to get even.

Call #1: “Thank you for calling _____, how may I help you today?”
Me: “You can slam your hard, throbbing monster love truck into my warm, wet garage.”

Call #2: “Thank you for calling _________. We’re offering a special on cable/internet/phone packages. May I tell you more?”
Me: “No. But you may roll me over and spank me for being such a naughty girl.”

Call #3: “Thank you for calling _____. Would you like to save money on your car insurance?”
Me: “I don’t drive. But you can drive my pile with your pile-driver. And drive me hard! Harder! Harder!”

Call #4: “Thank you for calling _____. We aim to please. How can we please you?”
Me: “You can aim your diamond-hard pocket rocket at my G spot and blast off.”

Call #5: “Thank you for calling _____. We’re offering low interest, low down loans.”
Me: “How about you loan me your high hard one, and take some interest in my low down while I moan?”

Call #6: “Thank you for calling _____. If you don’t come see us today, we can’t save you any money.”
Me: “Oh! I’m coming, baby! I’m coming. Don’t stop, baby! Dear Gawd, don’t stop!”

Call #7: “Thank you for calling _____.”
Me: “I remember when your slogan was ‘We let our fingers do the walkin’.”
#7: That’s right. How may I help you?
Me: “You can walk your big stiff fingers down below and shove a couple of ‘em in my love mitten.”

Oh, and while you’re at it? Take me off your call list.