SAHM I Am — Not!
If there’s anything this winter break (all fucking 14 days of it) has taught me, it’s that my children are damn fortunate I’m not a rodent. Rodents eat their young. And I’m beginning to understand why. Don’t get me wrong. I adore my children. Especially if one of them is gone for long periods of time and I’m having a brief “only-child” hiatus. Or, they’re both at home but they’re not engaging each other. (Fantasy!!)
Seriously. What the fuck is up with “boy love?” My two children-sporting-penises cannot be in the same room for more than 5 minutes, even after not seeing each other for more than 48 hours, before they’re swinging.
In my short time as a mother of boys, I’ve learned there are 3 things that prove a boy loves another boy: 1. He pulls a Dutch Oven. 2. He shoots the other one in the ass with the BB gun. 3. He puts PB in the other’s boxers and locks him in the room with the dog.
No disrespect to stay-at-home-moms. Seriously. I bow down. And I bow down again. Stay-at-home-moms ought to be running this fucking country. I’m quite certain SAHMs fall into 2 categories: 1) those on drugs, and 2) those ridiculously patient. This country’s already been run by the former (by that I mean the on-drugs type, not the mom-type), and I’m sure a mother on drugs would be far more capable of running this country than just any idiot on drugs. Ahem.
I’m under no delusions here. I know it takes a very unique woman to be a SAHM. I also know I don’t have the requisites. If I were a stay-at-home-mom, I’d spend the 99% of my days in a pair of ratty chic boxers and a robe, I’d probably forget to brush my teeth until bedtime (if diligent), I’d spend most of my time cruising internet porn and yelling at my kids to “get along,” and I’d be stuck in some weird music time warp in which Peter Frampton was doing Lady Gaga.
All this to say, thank god I have a job. Or four. At least I’m only a SAHM by night. Half of which they’re sleeping. Little shits.
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December 30th, 2009 at 9:02 PM
I tried the whole SAHM for like 3 months and then I was like HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! I need out of this place. It is so much more harder than you ever expect. I am a mother of a teen and I have one and that is exactly enough. I am still in awe how anyone has more than one child. She is a handful all by herself. SAHM could rule the freaking world for sure.
January 4th, 2010 at 11:57 AM
Huh, well…when you put it that way my life doesn’t sound nearly as glamorous as I thought. And just for the record, chick boxers are strictly summer apparel…winter calls for chick pajama pants, Ugg’s and a beanie. Well, time for me to quit surfing porn and go take my drugs…the kids will be home soon ;o)
January 4th, 2010 at 1:51 PM
Olivia,
To be clear, I am under no illusions that most SAHM’s lives would not in any way resemble the picture I’ve painted for myself. That’s because most SAHMs have far more skeels when it comes to the SAH part than I do. Shit. Who am I kidding? They’re probably better at the M part, too. Your winter apparel closely resembles my every-day work attire. I just swap out the Uggs for flip-flops in the summer. Loves!
January 11th, 2010 at 10:27 AM
I think it’s a lot easier to be a SAHM to just one kid. I loved it. Plus I’m super lazy. I didn’t want to go back to work, ever. But again that’s because I’m lazy and I don’t like people all that much! ha! Okay I’m kidding. But yeah I think it’s just different for every woman.
March 13th, 2010 at 7:20 AM
: ) that could be one way to think about that