Ten Real Reasons Single Mothers Seek Men
Nothing feels more like the ultimate betrayal than a woman advising men not to date single mothers. Here’s a little nugget I just found through google: “K” (a woman’s name) says, “If you are considering dating a single mother, stop. Single mothers have a lot of baggage. First and foremost, they must think of their children and how their relationships will affect them. Of course, every situation is different.”
Dontcha love how she softens the blow with the obvious “Of course, every situation is different” statement?
Hellsyeah, I have baggage as a single mother. But it’s not the kind a you might think. It’s “I-Used-to-Have-a-Flat-Stomach-and-an-Innie” baggage. Or “Dammit-the-Toilet-isn’t-Working-Properly-I-Have-No-Idea-How-to-Fix-it-and-I-Don’t-Want-to-Call-an-Expensive-Creepy-Plumber-to-Fix-It-for-Me” baggage. Is this the kind of baggage that’s going to affect my relationship with a man? Of course it is. But in ways that may be different from what you imagine. At least with the second kind of baggage (not claiming there are only two kinds), I’m handing a man the golden opportunity to play the hero and rescue the damsel in distress. Isn’t that every man’s fantasy? Well, that and watching chick-on-chick?
So sure. “First and foremost” we think of our kiddos and how our relationship might affect them. So what? You think single non-moms don’t have first-thinks themselves? Helloooooo! Manis, pedis and facials come to mind, and don’t even get me started on shopping. Does a man even for the briefest moment imagine that when he’s in bed with a single non-mom that there are only two people in bed? I assure you, her mother is there, her sister is there, and her gaggle of girlfriends is there, too. If you’re lucky, her shrink isn’t.
Don’t tell me men don’t also have first-thinks, either. Their dogs? Golf? Their next man-cation?
Another article, by Dr. Dan, syndicated from BeingAMan.com (already I sneer), implores that single mothers seek a man for 3 primary reasons: 1) as another caregiver for the children; 2) as a resource to help alleviate the financial burden; and 3) as a back-up babysitter so she can get out more frequently. Phhhht! First, that’s really only two reasons, as #1 and #3 are pretty much the same. Second, I seriously doubt the “doctor” credentials and suspect he’s been beating drums with Robert Bly. This guy makes Dr. Laura appear liberated.
Doc? Really? Only an idiot or a pig wouldn’t appreciate the efficiency of sharing resources. Yet no single mother in her right mind would trade in a lousy relationship with her children’s father for a lousy relationship with another father-figure. While I admit sometimes life would be easier if there were someone to share the burden, my ex provided me with all that AND good sex. He’s still my ex. If the only reasons I wanted a man were the three reasons the good doctor lists, I’d have stayed married. At least I’d be getting laid now instead of reading stupid articles by meatheads who probably aren’t getting laid either. Ha! Maybe they’re reading MY work.
Here’s the real rub. There’s no math in this mentality. For every single mother there’s usually a single father. I don’t hear anyone shouting “Stay away from the single dad!” In fact, I think single dads, especially if they’re engaged parents and share near-equal parenting time, are considered “cute,” a “catch,” “enlightened.” That mentality, combined with “expert” advice from the likes of K and Dr. Dan, really feels to me like we’re encouraging single fathers to continue propagating the species … the species being single mothers.
You want to know the truth? There aren’t three, but ten (10!) reasons we single mothers seek a man:
1. Someone to drop their voice sufficiently low enough to scare the shit out of the kiddos so they’ll do what we’ve asked them to do 100 times already.
2. Someone to roll our eyes at when we’re in the passenger seat and bitch at for being a back-seat driver when we’re in the driver’s seat.
3. Someone to warm our icy feet on when we crawl between the covers on a 14 degree night.
4. Someone to reach the highest shelf in the kitchen.
5. Someone to argue with through the entire process of trying to find the perfect Christmas tree, cut it down, haul it home, drag it into the house and get it to stand perfectly straight.
6. Someone to fix all the little things we really can fix but don’t want to. Look, we’ll cook, okay?
7. Someone to balance “let’s talk about it” with “because.”
8. Penis
9. Penis
10. Penis
Let’s be honest. If it weren’t for the last three reasons, the right woman could be every bit as perfect as a man. But seriously. Is there anyone out there who can help me with my poorly functioning toilet?
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December 28th, 2009 at 1:16 PM
I just found you on twitter, and I had to tell my sister to read your blog. She’s a single mom with two kids, and she’s gone into the dating world. You have a wonderful way of writing.
I am appalled by these people who think that single moms would have MORE baggage then other woman. And yes, your last three reasons for having a man around pretty much sum everything up. It’s pretty much the only reason why I keep mine around, that and he chops wood, which I for some reason can not get the technique down, or refuse to do so.
December 29th, 2009 at 1:19 PM
Thanks, Randa. I hope your sister has the same great taste you do! ;O Incidentally, chopping wood is the perfect reason for keeping a man around. I approve.
December 29th, 2009 at 7:33 PM
I read this (YAWN), won’t be back. No wonder your single you whiney, poor woman. No man is going to want you after reading this BS. In essence you are blaming your kids for not having a man.
December 29th, 2009 at 7:55 PM
That’s fucking hilarious, “Nolongersingle.” Here’s a prediction for you: You’ll have to change your handle. And not long from now.
I’d never blame my children for anything related to an adult relationship. In fact, I do my best to protect them from bad adult relationships, with which for obvious reasons I can only assume you’re familar. Incidentally, I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t spell correctly or use proper grammar. I’m not offended you won’t be back. In fact, good-bye, good luck, and good fuckin’ night. Don’t let the blog-door hit your ass on the way out.
December 29th, 2009 at 11:17 PM
Nolongersingle is one hell of a handle. Not how I’d want to define myself, but hey…
December 30th, 2009 at 9:42 AM
Jack, I think I love you.
December 30th, 2009 at 5:50 AM
whoever told you that this “essay” blamed your kids for you not having a man is off base. (and by the way, you’ve been hanging out w/ @ieatmykidzsnack too much. it’s a post. seriously.)
also, the clown you reacted to is a complete idiot. especially about why women seek a new man. stupid.
and on a final thought, i married a single mom. and did so well into my thirties. and i’m not trying to get all chest-bumpin’ playa on you, but i’ve never had any problems in the dating / sex department. so i could have easily (and always thought i would) remained single. so glad i didn’t. if i had listened to that moron, i’d probably be “that guy” in a club right now who single-handedly added a year and a half to the average patron age while wearing a vapid piece of arm candy ten years his junior.
instead what i found is my soul mate.
OH, and get this, too. this soul mate? i love her daughter. madly. every single bit as much as the two year old triplets we went on to have.
this dr dan guy is a dipshit. period. he’s just not man enough to know what’s real and what’s not. i guarantee he traipses through life with his cock in one hand and a random assortment of dick pills in the other.
nice work, girlfriend. keep ‘em coming. i’ll be back by.
December 30th, 2009 at 9:49 AM
John, You are an inspiration! You instill hope in me that there are decent men out there. You don’t, by chance, have a brother who’s single, do you?
I bow to the Lady of the House, aka @ieatmykidzsnack, she’s a laugh fucking riot. If you’re hinting that my posts are too long, I appreciate your feedback, but you’re wrong. (JK) I try to keep them to 450 words or less, which is the rule of thumb I read from some blogging pro somewhere.
I have no problems in the dating/sex department, either, as long as I keep to myself. It’s been a long, monogamous, but always satisfactory affair. Chest-bump with me all you want (though these babies may knock you on your ass).
xo
December 30th, 2009 at 12:38 PM
a random assortment of dick pills in the other.
That is the kind of imagery that makes me want to blog some more. Feeling the love. Or maybe just read about a man and triplets.
Ok John, I have to admit that there is a double meaning to that last line. In fact, I don’t want to read about a man and triplets unless I am him.
Although, if we are talking about kids, as in trips I may need that random assortment of pills, just of a different type.
December 30th, 2009 at 9:04 PM
Well I don’t know all about that as I think if a woman had a romp with another “skilled” women you would be all like penis? What penis? But I hear what you are saying. Still VIVA LA PUSSY!
December 31st, 2009 at 12:18 AM
Kitty, I have no doubt that a woman would practically by definition be “skilled” at lovin’ on another woman. It’s like — the best offender is a good defender, right? Because the offender knows how to out-maneuver the defender because she’s in the defender’s head? (Look, Puss, I’m trying to help the dudes follow this one …. )
I won’t pretend I haven’t thought this one through. I have. And here’s the rub: I’d make a terrible lesbian. I just cannot get over the idea of burying my face in snatch. There. I said it. Wild monkeys could fly out my ass before I’d care whose face was buried in mine. I’ve had to close my eyes and pretend with more than half the men who’ve been there, so that’s not the problem. The problem is that I could not reciprocate, and I actually enjoy giving. For me, it’s the equivalent of trying to convince myself I like tofu. No matter how many ways I try to disguise it as something else, it’s still tofu. I just can’t get on it. So see? It just doesn’t work.
I’m still holding out hope that there’s a man out there who has the emotional intelligence of a woman, the ability to fix minor plumbing mishaps, and a decent-sized dick he knows how to use. If I get to the end of the next decade with the realization that I’m an eternal optimist (read “fool”), I may reconsider. There’s more than one woman to whom I’ve said, “It’s too bad you’re married and I’m not a lesbian.” Of course, if I get to the end of the next decade and my reclaimed virginity is still in tact, I may as well retire the ol’ puss for good. Bringing it back into the game would be like bringing Michael Jordan back to Da Bulls as a 50 year old. (Still tryin’ to keep the “XO” audience.)
May 18th, 2010 at 2:12 PM
You are funny. In responding to your last comment, I do not think you will find a man who has the emotional intelligence of a woman and actually is attracted to women.
I think you should be able to find a man with a penis, it is one of the benefits of being a man and we are quite proud of it, well usually we are. Sometimes they let us down and then we curse them like they are our worst enemy. A penis that lets us down and does not perform to our exact desires is as bad as the Soviet Union was during the cold war.
May 18th, 2010 at 3:30 PM
OK, OK. I’ll lower my expectations. But if they’re gonna have a penis they sure as hell better have a set of balls, too. Or capable of growing a pair.
May 28th, 2010 at 2:16 PM
I make a distinction between single mothers of children whose dad is in the wind, and single mothers of children whose dad is ensconced in the picture. The second kind, no problem. Anyone could have a relationship not work out, no big deal, there just happen to be kids. But the first kind indicates either serious judgment problems or an addiction to drama, most likely stemming from childhood issues, if not both. I stay away from those. They’re also the kind whose kids are likely to make your life miserable, either with their affection or their vitriol.
May 29th, 2010 at 11:39 AM
I think it’s important to realize that there are patterns of behavior about which we need to be alert. On the other hand, drawing such a hard line of distinction rules out other possibilities, like … Dad took his meds when we had kids, but Dad no longer takes his meds. Or, Dad’s in prison. (Judgment error? Maybe, maybe not.) Or Dad’s now Mom. You get the picture….
May 29th, 2010 at 12:52 PM
It’s true, no rule like that is so important that it shouldn’t sometimes be violated. But, just to take your examples, Dad is seriously mentally ill, a felon, or transgendered. In my experience, a woman who gets involved enough with any of those types to have children has really serious questions to answer about her judgment and/or character.
This works the other way, too. I can’t imagine why any woman would ever get involved with a man who isn’t deeply involved in his children’s lives, even if they don’t plan on having children together. Similarly, a man who believes that “all women are psycho” or “there to serve me” also merit a wide berth, and have serious characterological issues. And, in the rare circumstance of a single dad where the mother has taken a powder, that is as big a red flag as when the genders are reversed.
May 31st, 2010 at 10:13 AM
Word.
August 29th, 2010 at 5:51 AM
Awesome! The only thing you didn’t have on here that I expected was killing spiders.
As a soon-to-be single dad in his 40s, I have no interest in dating anything but single Moms. I think they are the only ones that understand the delicate nature of dating someone with children and how grueling a divorce involving children is.
August 30th, 2010 at 8:38 AM
I’m one of those strange chicks that actually likes spiders. I mean, I don’t like them creepy crawling around, but I appreciate that they eat other bugs, namely the kind that buzz around my head. I’ll take creepy-crawlers over head-buzzers any day.
Thanks for the props on single moms!