More Born-Again Virgins Than You can Shake a (Sounds like “Stick”) at ….
At last night’s book club gathering, I announced I was a born-again virgin. “What’s a born-again virgin?” the gals asked. Now I should note that, while we’re all mothers, I am the only single mom in the group. “You know….” I said. “If you go without sex long enough, you can reclaim your virginity. In fact, I’ve heard that certain parts actually grow back.”
“How long do you have to go without?” one of them asked.
“Six months.” I said, “Three if you’re Catholic.” An answer to which I received an extraordinarily loud cackling.
“Hey, I may be born-again myself,” retorted one of the clubbies, a mother of three, the youngest of which is four. A chorus of “Me, too”s followed.
Um, I’m sorry, but I’m aghast. What’s up with that? You might not think of Portland, Oregon as the sexiest city alive (especially if you lived here during the grunge stage, which I’m not quite sure we’ve grown out of. Hippy stage either, for that matter. And dear gawd, don’t get me started on Birkenstocks and wool socks). But there’s that non-stop late fall through early summer rain. If that doesn’t keep you in doors goin’ at it, what will?
Portland is a city with more strip clubs and adult book stores per capita than any other city in the US. Or so I’m told. Restaurants and movie theaters, too. If that combination doesn’t scream “getting some,” I don’t know what does. Here we are in Portland, Oregon. The city known for being a great place to have babies. How can that be, if no one’s having sex? I can assure you, while no doubt there are a few, most of the children being born in the City of Roses are not named Jesus, and those who are pronounce it differently (you know, “Hey, Soos.”). Conception in this town has been anything but immaculate.
More importantly, I ask all you married women, “How can you let that captive audience go to waste?” Most the men I know – married and otherwise – would have sex hourly if they could. While I certainly don’t have that stamina (though imagine the 6-pack abs!), and even nightly sounds mildly ambitious, I ask, “Months, even weeks, without? What’s wrong with you people?”
Clearly the adage, “You don’t know what you’re missing until you no longer have it,” or something along those lines, works, sort of, here. In other words, because these women could, theoretically, get IT anytime they wanted, they didn’t want IT. On the flip side, when one has no relatively immediate prospect of getting any, one wants IT all the time. Or, at least, that is my experience. To make matters even worse, as I’m nearly menopausal, I am very concerned (understatement) that, in relatively little time, I’ll never want IT again. Which probably makes me hornier than a 14-year-old boy with a perpetual hard-on, and maybe every bit as good a lover, assuming I was getting’ me some lovin’, which, I believe I’ve noted, I am not.
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November 17th, 2009 at 9:25 AM
I believe we do want it just as much as you do, but life gets in the way, kids in the bed, long workdays (or nights), then of course there are stressors of money, etc…that get in the way of any kind of romance. Besides, men aren’t nearly as thoughtful once you’ve married them, as a divorcee I’m guessing you figured that out long ago
But, regardless…I will have more sex with my husband if it will make you happy Piper 
It will indeed make him and I happy too!
November 17th, 2009 at 10:25 AM
Rachel, Thanks for your comments. I’m no sexpert, but I’m a firm believer that not only will you be happier, you’ll be healthier. Truly. Endorphines, oxytocin, all that stuff. I read it in “Sex on the Brain” by Dr. Daniel Amen, so it must be true, right? I also advocate for weekly date nights. I have them with myself.
If you want to know more about Dr. Amen and Sex on the Brain, you can hear him here: http://talktotara.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id
November 22nd, 2009 at 3:30 PM
I think that’s funny that someone named Amen wrote “Sex on the Brain”. Makes me want to pen the name Dr. Hallelujah and write a book called “Sex…Finally”.
November 25th, 2009 at 8:36 AM
At the other end of the bookshelf, how about “Why Does She Need to Finish?” by Dr. Loveless.
February 27th, 2010 at 11:18 AM
It hasn’t been “months for me” but I know what you’re saying and I feel you’re pain yo! If you want to chat about our problems a bit more, let me know. We’re a few thousand miles apart, but I’m sure we can figure something out. Maybe…
Piper I think I know what you mean by “weekly date night with myself” and if we’re on the same page, I often end up having date night with myself a few nights a week…
February 27th, 2010 at 11:27 AM
“Me Time” is important, J.R. regardless of your “status,” i.e. whether partnered or not! What’s a few thousand miles?
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:20 PM
So uhm married women don’t have sex? Maybe that’s why after 7 years I still won’t get married to Jesse, because I like sex. Alot. I won’t be a born again virgin unless something tragic happens like death or a wedding…
I love your tweets and blog by the way.
@randaroopoo
March 7th, 2010 at 10:31 AM
@randaroopoo Thanks! You’re pretty fun yourself. I wouldn’t be a born-again virgin if it weren’t for the tragic lack of appealing (and available) men!