Kids say the darnedest things. But they also give a lot away about their personalities when they do. Can you tell one’s a Tweener? And the other’s a player?
Of course, this says absolutely nothing about me ….
At last night’s book club gathering, I announced I was a born-again virgin. “What’s a born-again virgin?” the gals asked. Now I should note that, while we’re all mothers, I am the only single mom in the group. “You know….” I said. “If you go without sex long enough, you can reclaim your virginity. In [...]
Two years ago, my older son (7 at the time) was rummaging around in my drawers trying to find a pair of socks. Now, I admit, this clearly was not one of my more insightful moments, and while it may have created a “teachable moment,” I’m quite sure I didn’t use it that way.
Older son [...]
In no particular order:
1. People poop.
2. Men’s mouths aren’t located immediately north of their penises.
3. Women are not superior. If we were, we’d stop doing everything and start delegating.
4. Speedos.
5. Children don’t stay small and cute and sleep most of the day.
6. Gravity.
7. By the time you really don’t need the money, you start earning [...]
Nothing feels more like the ultimate betrayal than a woman advising men not to date single mothers. Here’s a little nugget I just found through google: “K” (a woman’s name) says, “If you are considering dating a single mother, stop. Single mothers have a lot of baggage. First and foremost, they must think of their [...]
If there’s anything this winter break (all fucking 14 days of it) has taught me, it’s that my children are damn fortunate I’m not a rodent. Rodents eat their young. And I’m beginning to understand why. Don’t get me wrong. I adore my children. Especially if one of them is gone for long periods of [...]
… mourning the loss of what were surely going to be good-luck panties
I hate New Year’s resolutions. I find them so ridiculously lame. Everyone’s NY resos are always the same as everyone else’s: Lose weight. Exercise more. Save money. Get organized. Are you kidding me? That’s my mantra every morning. Why would I, with just a drop of some ridiculously shiny ball in Times Square, make a [...]
I do mine whenever I’m in the car, whether passenger or driver. Between Kegels and lifting my wine glass, it’s the most regular exercise I get.
Kegels are highly recommended practice for post-partum women. If you’re a mother, you know nothing strikes terror in your heart like your children enthusiastically begging you to jump with them [...]
Six little items that make me long to be wet ….
Challenge # 12 was to send a “steamy stext message.” Already I’m in a quandary. The single mother who does not have a partner has a little trouble meeting this one. Do I stext the ex-husband? Probably won’t go over well with the new live-in girlfriend, and besides … ick. Do I stext the ex-boyfriend? [...]
As I was driving the ol’ mommy-van into work today, thinking about sex (my brain is male like that, plus the seat warmers were on so it was inevitable), it occurred to me that it’s no coincidence I lost my virginity shortly after I got my driver’s license. From there my mind wandered to thinking [...]
This may have been the most challenging Challenge yet. At first I was mortified. Just the day before, for Challenge 13, I was forced to find a willing deperado to participate in my twext experiment. Now I’m going to have to shower with someone? Expletives are flying out my mouth like Chinese fireworks on the 4th [...]
I didn’t think this was much of a challenge, but I’ll admit it wasn’t my favorite. I like my panties, even if I do spend 99% of my time scheming ways to get out of them. As a 40-(ahem) plus mother of two who gained more weight than she should have and continues to carry [...]
Single home-ownership is really putting a cramp in my sexual style, assuming I have some. In some respects, it’s a bigger cramp than being a single parent.
As the ex was a general contractor, we thought it’d be a great idea to buy the worst house on the block. I’m not sure we were wrong, but [...]
Seriously, I almost choked on this one. If finding a new position or taking the reins weren’t difficult for this partner-less mommy, now I have to find a way to “use my mouth” such that it’ll improve my sex life? I can assure you the effort would be lost on both Roberrrrto and Gallic the [...]
These challenges are getting hard and harder for me to pull off. I have no idea what I’m going to do for Day 22’s Challenge: Tie Me Up. I can’t very well handcuff myself to the bedposts. Well, I could, but who would operate Roberrrrto?
Today’s challenge would be easy for me if I were partnered. [...]
The 22nd Challenge requires exploring BDSM. (I had to look up the “B” and the “D” on Wikipedia, myself.) Mominatrix is not making this easy. But then, nothing worth it is ever easy. Except me, of course.
Have I mentioned I’m unattached? And that in my world “friends with benefits” (FWB) are friends with teenagers who [...]
Challenge 24: Be A Tease
–noun
1.
a person who teases or annoys.
Not that this is at all relevant to the topic at hand, but isn’t it sort of “Dictionary 101” that you don’t use the word you’re defining to define the word you’re defining?
In place of the word “tease” above, insert the verb definition below.
–verb (used without [...]
I think I’m a reasonably OK mother more often than not. Probably my biggest challenge is that I’m not firm enough. I don’t hold the line as I should. And my boys know how to manipulate me. I’m not as organized as I should be, and we punt a lot. We might go without the [...]
How does one make a challenge out of something one does habitually and with great finesse? And by habitually and great finesse, I mean I once knocked out 6 Os in an hour. Unassisted. For those of you who are sports enthusiasts, that’s a double hat-trick.
The history of masturbation is fraught with crazy notions. We’re [...]
This is going to be a really, really short post. Don’t get me wrong. Hopefully you’ve figured out I’m no prude. And there’s not a whole lot I wouldn’t try at least once, a philosophy that applies to just about everything, from food to extreme sports to extreme sex.
I know, from reading “She Comes First,” [...]
Sixty-nine is the obvious answer to the Mutuality/Reciprocity Challenge, but only if you have the other half. You know, the 6. Or the 9, depending on your perspective. And, as obvious as it is, it’s surely not so terribly creative.
And this is where I give you my status update on my ultimate Sexual Resolution: To [...]
Ah, the ultimate Challenge: To do as many of the 30 challenges as one can in a 24-hour period. After 40-some odd years, you’d think I’d have learned that I don’t always have to make things more difficult than they are. But that tends to be my nature. So on this day, the day on [...]
Bless that Laura over at Tattooed Mom of 3. She earned a “Sweet Friend” award, and thought, sweet friend that she is, she’d pass it on. Which means she graciously has given me a blog topic: The 10 Things That Make Me Happy.
I tried to tell her I could answer the question in one word and [...]
My vagina has a first name,
It’s E-A-T-M-E
My vagina has a second name,
It’s P-U-L-E-Z
Oh, you’ll want to eat it every day and if you ask me why I’ll say
‘Cuz my vagina has a way with
B-O-L-O-G-N-A
Written as an entry for the Renegade Moms Vagina-logue Contest. http://renegademoms.com/?p=2510
I love my vagina. I really do. And by vagina, I don’t mean the clinical definition, the internal muscular canal that connects the uterus with the vulva. I mean what everyone else does (in error but so what?) when they refer to the vagina. The whole kit and caboodle. The G to the Spot. I’ll [...]
Oh the sorrow, when what you thought was truth shatters,
Light refracting through a prism, a million beams of brilliant color,
Its beauty disguising the ugly black reality.
Holding fast to what I believed in,
As graspable as air
An eon’s worth of sand sifting through my fingers.
Love, a moth’s wings
Disintegrating, rendering it flightless,
When you try to catch it. [...]
Ugh. Blind dates. They’re practically a necessary evil in the dating repertoire of a single person. I’m not sure I know anyone who hasn’t had at least one. But the very thought of them usually makes people cringe. Over the years, I’ve come up with a couple of pointers I’ve learned (the hard way, granted) [...]
I have decided I no longer need therapy. I just need to maintain my Brazilian.
Minute for minute, I actually may be paying more to have my hoo-hah waxed than I would to spend an hour (erg, 50 minutes) with a therapist, but I think I’m getting more out of the waxing, quite frankly.
For example, my [...]
I suppose, given this piece of “journalism” came from Glamour, I should have realized it was swill. But the title, “8 Reasons to Enjoy Your Single Status (For Now),” I admit, tail tucked between legs, sucked me in. I read the title and thought, “Really, there are 8, count them 8, total reasons to enjoy [...]
I admit it. I have what we in my house call “poop issues.” I am the antithesis of my mother, who shakes her head and in a very stern voice says, “I do not think sex is funny.” She has no difficulty, however, talking about poop and will sometimes repeat stories — in great detail — [...]
There are any number of reasons why I like “pleasure objects.” In no particular order:
1. If they don’t satisfy, you can kick them to the curb.
2. You can be completely selfish with them … no need to reciprocate the attention.
3. They don’t feel like you’re stepping out on them (and I don’t feel like a whore) [...]
We like being checked out. But start the mating dance with your biggest sex organ — your brain.
Nancy Botwin, the suburban drug-dealing widow of “Weeds,” and I have a lot in common. We both have two sons, though fortunately my oldest is not a botanical genius, err … pot-growing high-school drop-out, and my youngest is not having 3-way cherry-poppin’ sex with overly made-up latchkey girls. We both have been married more than [...]
This past weekend, I did something I’ve never done. I willingly — paid for it, no less — spent my child-free weekend attending a virtually all-woman conference. With 117 other women.
I have to confess, I was dreading it a bit. I’ve never been the tea party, play-with-dolls, sorority kind of girl. I don’t craft or [...]
Awaken at 5:32. Boys think they’re being quiet. Their definition of quiet means the neighbors two houses down can’t hear them when our windows are closed. Note: Saturday night was the second “sleep over” 10 has had this weekend. At. My. House. Read: This is my second late-to-bed, early-out-of-bed morning. Mommy’s not feelin’ it. I’ve [...]
I fully expect to live out the rest of my years alone. Untethered.
I’m not feeling sorry for myself. It’s just a premonition. My friend C (you met him here http://www.mommyisdating.com/?p=61) insists I’m wrong. One weekend, about a year after my divorce, we were hanging out in a hot tub in Sunriver, OR, and he asked, [...]
Because “Mommy is Dating” should be dating?
I read a lot of books about relationships, the brain, attraction … and one of the things I’ve read is that people are attracted to facial features that remind them of genitals. So, men are attracted to women whose mouths reminds them of the ol’ hoo-ha. But what are women attracted to?
How to discover the true meaning embedded in online dating profiles. No schmucks were harmed — emotionally or physically — in the crafting of this post.
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